


When We Were Young

by criscriscris



Category: Free!
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Read at Your Own Risk, not finished!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 01:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7825597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criscriscris/pseuds/criscriscris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru was embarrassed, Makoto knew – everyone knew. Haru was different than before. Who was he now? How had he changed?</p>
<p>Did he still love him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When We Were Young

Haru never considered himself a romantic, or a sap, or any word that could be used to describe Rin. So he didn’t really understand why he was fidgeting in his seat or why he had agreed to go to the reunion mixer or, most importantly, why Rin was coming with him.

“Hey, don’t think I don’t see that expression on your face,” Rin said, suddenly.

Haru didn’t reply; he sniffled and looked out the window.

“I want to see my friends, too! Makoto said he was especially looking forward to getting everyone together, although…” Rin grinned, not finishing his sentence.

After a minute of silence, Haru sighed. Rin sure knew his weak spots. “Although what?”

Rin laughed into his hand, slowing down with traffic around him. “Makoto doesn’t know you’re back.”

At that, there was a sharp sting of…of something in his heart. Of pain? Betrayal? Hurt? Who knew, Haru thought, but he had to control his hand from gripping at his chest. Another moment of silence passed as Haru swallowed down a gulp of air – the feel of it was intrusive. Everything felt wrong. 

“Why? Didn’t you? Tell him?” Haru felt the bumps in his question, but tried to ignore it and the heat on his face.

“Well, weren’t you the one who broke up with him? Telling him some bullshit about needing to concentrate on training?” Rin shrugged, the grin falling from his face.

It was true. Makoto had confessed to Haru during their third year and Haru remembered feeling… Feeling like he had found what others would call ‘home’ or, more commonly, his soul mate. They went to Tokyo together, studied together, lived together, loved together. There wasn’t much change from how they grew up, always in each other’s lives; the only change being now they could have sex without worrying about Makoto’s family barging in. 

It was a dream come true.

Haru’s professional career began shortly after arriving to Tokyo; he had to go and fly to many different places in order to gain more experience, better training, better opportunities. He medaled in many tournaments and won other prizes and fame in the eyes of the public as the “Silent Prince” – an embarrassing name that Sousuke and Rin would mock him for. 

A year or so after Makoto and he had started dating, Haru saw a change in him. Whenever he had to leave for training in a different city or if he had a tournament in a different country or even when he went shopping for mackerel on his own, he would see something in Makoto’s eyes that scared him. But, like any negative emotion Makoto had, it passed a second after. 

Haru knew he was killing Makoto. He didn’t need his soul mate to tell him that. The time they spent together was dwindling until it became mostly quick phone calls between meetings with PR reps, sponsors, training, competitions, and interviews. They tried video calls every now and again but foreign internet was always unsteady and most of the time the calls ended with Haru watching Makoto’s frozen or glitched face before it disconnected. When Haru was able to come home, it would be for maybe a weekend and he always had to sneak into their shared apartment because his flights were always at ungodly hours of the morning and he would never make Makoto have to accommodate him (as much as Makoto protested that he didn’t mind). 

The weekends hurt the most.

It was like a flash, a tease of what their relationship could be, ripped away too fast by phone calls from Haru’s coaching team. This went on for another year.

Makoto was on his way of achieving his dream. He was already interning as a physical therapist at a children’s hospital, doing things he always loved to do. Haru began to see that old spark back in Makoto’s eyes when he spoke about how he was progressing now that he was able to work, even as an intern, in the field. Haru was glad Makoto had found a distraction. But even that wasn’t enough.

“Don’t get into your own mind too much, Haru,” Rin said casually, turning the radio on to an English station. “We’ll be there soon. You’re gonna have to face him one day.”

Haru knew that too well. He nodded in response and stared out the window again, catching sight of a flashing sign for ramen.

Ramen.

That was the catalyst. 

It had been almost three years they had been together. It was a hot summer day, unbearable and oppressing. Haru was heading home for a weekend with Makoto, who said he wanted ramen. For old time’s sake, he said. 

When he got home, Makoto wasn’t yet back, so he went to bathe and change into home clothes. Haru had always been impressed that Makoto kept their apartment so clean and put together. It had changed from when they first moved in. There were framed photos of Makoto’s family, their friends, of them, of Haru, of just Makoto. His medals hung in their bedroom, glinting softly in the rays of sunshine that snuck through the blinds. Their home felt like a home. Even if he wasn’t there as often as he would have hoped. 

As he changed into one of Makoto’s old shirts from high school, Haru heard the door unlock. 

“I’m home,” Makoto said, quietly, bags rustling in his hands.

“Welcome home,” Haru replied, smiling at Makoto’s shocked expression. 

“Haru! You’re home already! Welcome home!” Makoto set his bags down hastily and, with one shoe on, rushed to embrace him. “It’s so good to have you back. I’m so glad you’re back.”

“I’m back,” he remembered saying. He clung to Makoto just as hard as Makoto clung to him. 

When they finally let go, Makoto laughed and apologized for being rough. He went to get the bags from the door and kicked off the other shoe. “I know you don’t care for the A/C being on, but it was just so hot, I felt like I was melting.”

“So you get ramen.”

Makoto laughed, “Yours has mackerel in it.”

“I forgive it then.”

They laughed and sat down together, preparing their takeout food. Makoto began to talk about some of the kids and other nurses he worked with. His coursework was heavier than before but he was so close to being certified that he didn’t mind. He mentioned how many of his school friends kept inviting him out for drinks, for group dates, for fun. Haru tensed at that fact, but Makoto waved it off, saying things like that never interested him, even before they started dating. He changed topics quickly, asking Haru about his own training.

“Is it…” Makoto started and stopped, shaking his head.

“What?”

“It’s… nothing,” he answered, looking down at his soup. 

“Makoto.”

He sighed, putting his chopsticks on the table. “Are you only back for the weekend again?”

“Yeah.”

Makoto didn’t look at Haru, just stared off to the side. He nodded. He went back to eating.

He felt his heart break. 

“Why?”

Makoto shrugged, slurping his noodles noisily. 

“Makoto, what’s wrong? I can’t read your mind, even if people think I can.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Haru-chan.”

“Don’t lie. Talk to me. Please.”

“I just don’t see…” Makoto sighed, placing his chopsticks to the side of his bowl. “I don’t see the point of you coming home if it’s only for a weekend. Aren’t the flights super expensive? You hate flying!”

“Makoto,” Haru tried to interject, but Makoto put his hand up.

“Let me finish. I’m serious. I know how much you hate flying, how much it utterly exhausts you – double that with your training and all the time I’m taking out of your schedule. You’re home maybe one weekend in a month and when you are here I can tell you’re just so tired and I never feel like I can make anything better for you and- and I’m just… I feel so…” He took a deep, shuddering breath and covered his face with one hand. “Haru, are you happy like this?”

“What are you saying, Makoto?”

“I just want to do what’s best for you.”

Haru let a breath out as Makoto lowered his hand. There was that look in his eyes again.

“I’m not what’s best for you,” Haru said – voice hushed, like the world would shatter if he spoke any louder.

“No, that’s not – That’s not what I meant, Haru-“

“I’m answering your question, Makoto. How can I be happy with a life like this? I love swimming and I love the feel of water on my skin and… You’re right. I fucking hate flying. You’re the one person I feel like I can be myself with and when I’m with you… It feels like I’m immersed in water. But you’re right.” He put his chopsticks down on the table. He stood up. “I need to focus on my training. Taking a weekend off a month is just me losing time while my competition is getting better. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Haru… What… What are you saying?”

“This will be the last weekend I’m here. I’ll pack tonight and then be gone. I have more opportunities if I keep training. You won’t have to worry about me coming back, I’ll be too busy from now on.”

“Ha…ru,” Makoto’s voice was weak. His eyes were filling with tears as Haru bit his tongue – he wanted to take the words back. He knew he was hurting Makoto but what was one moment of hurt compared to Makoto getting his life back? Makoto being able to move on?

“Thank you. For everything,” Haru said, walking away from Makoto. He could hear the soft crying already. He couldn’t face him now. 

“Haru, we’re here,” Rin said, poking Haru’s shoulder.

“Huh?” Haru looked up at him.

“Why the fuck you crying?” Rin sounded surprise; he jumped back. “Dude, you don’t have to… do this, you know that, right? I was just… Haru, it’s okay.”

“I’m… fine. I just… Let me just put myself together. You go first. I’ll go later.”

“Okay. But hey,” Rin smiled. “I won’t say anything about you coming, just in case. I’ll leave my keys with you.”

Haru nodded, feeling the metal hit his palm.

“It’s okay. Haru.” Rin left.

Haru sat in the car, looking down at the keys. He could leave. He didn’t have to do this. There was no reason he had to be here. No one knew he was coming anyway. What did it matter? 

No. He had to face him some day. 

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket; he grabbed it and unlocked it, reading the text from Rin quickly. ‘We’re up in room 307. Everyones here already so whenever u wanna just come up. I ordered a fish plate just in case.’ Rin had added serveral emojis. Haru snorted, taking a breath to calm himself.

After another moment, he slid out of the car, locking it behind him. The building they were having their reunion had several karaoke floors and other floors, higher, that he knew business took place. All around him were flashing lights of other places to have fun; people were walking fast to and from, some wearing expensive-looking clothes, others handing out flyers for their places of work. No one cared about him. Not like… Not like the man up in that building. Haru took another breath. 

It was now. He made his way inside, stopping at the front desk. He gave the room number. They pointed him to the elevator and told him which room it would be. 

“Have a good night!” The kid at the register said. He nodded and walked away. 

As he waited for the elevator to come, he got another text. This one from Nagisa. There was an over-abundant amount of emojis, lots of typos, and several ‘please come’s. Haru smiled. He loved Nagisa. Nagisa was like his little brother, the one he never knew he needed. Even as they were twenty-five and twenty-six respectively, Haru still felt like he had to look out for the blond. 

The elevator arrived with a ding. Three women got off, laughing loudly. Haru could tell they were drunk. But they seemed happy. He could barely remember the last time he felt that way. Drunk. Or happy. 

He pressed the number three button on the elevator and waited, reminiscing. When Makoto and he got drunk for the first time, they were at a bar. Everyone seemed to have their eyes on the brown-haired man, his smile even more radiant than usual. The alcohol loosened his inhibitions and he asked everyone to dance with him, laughing with each person. Haru didn’t feel jealous; no, he felt like he was watching a flower bloom. Makoto looked radiant. Haru sighed, unlocking his phone and opening up his photo gallery. 

He still had the pictures from that night. The lighting of the place made Makoto look like a fairytale; his flushed face looked even more magical than usual. Haru treasured those memories and these pictures. 

_Ding!_

As the elevator opened its doors, Haru took another deep breath. He pushed himself off the walls of the elevator and continued forward. 

“303…304…305…306…307…” Haru counted the rooms until he stood in front of the door he needed to face. 

There was an almost opaque window on one side of the door; it had the room number painted on it. Under the numbers, it said ‘The Water Room’. Haru laughed. They would.

He looked through the window of the door, looking for…

There he was. He was laughing. Clapping to whatever song Nagisa, Momo, and Kou were singing. He was wearing his glasses and a red plaid shirt.

“Makoto,” Haru couldn’t help but whisper. When was the last time he had said the man’s name out loud? Before he could stop himself, he raised his phone and pressed it to the glass; he opened up his camera app and zoomed it in to capture just Makoto. Makoto and that smile of his – not quite right because it wasn’t directed at Haru.

“Sir?” 

Haru spun around quickly, almost dropping his phone. There was a small woman with a cart of food in front of her. “I was just, texting one of them in there – to make sure I had the right room,” Haru stumbled through the sentence, something he was not familiar with. 

“Uh, sure.” She smiled, pushing the cart past him.

He sighed, relieved. But as he slipped his phone into his pocket, he heard the door behind him open.

“Oh! Excuse me!” It was a young teenage boy with shaggy brown hair. He wore the uniform of the place as well. “Oh! Wait! You’re the Silent Prince, Haruka Nanase!” The boy’s voice was loud and the door not yet closed. 

“Um, yeah.” Haru could feel his face warm up. He felt Makoto’s gaze on him, but couldn’t make himself look in that direction.

“How amazing! I knew Yamazaki and Matsuoka-san were here, but I had completely forgotten you were friends with them! I’m such a huge fan! I swim for my high school and I really wanna make it to where you guys are because you’re so talented! Can I please get a picture with you?” The boy was smiling up at him, almost dazzling.

“Uh, s-sure,” Haru nodded, trying to smile. He was nervous. He could feel himself start to sweat. 

“Hey! Kami-chan, get a pic with me and our Silent Prince!” The boy threw his phone at the girl who was pushing the food cart.

“God, no manners,” the girl replied, but held up the phone anyway.

The teen put his arm around Haru’s waist and held up a peace sign. “Alright, ready!” Haru held up his own peace sign and waited for the click of the phone’s camera.

“Thank you so much!” He said to the girl as she handed his phone back. 

“Yep,” she waved and walked away.

“And thank you, Nanase-san! Please, enjoy yourself!” He gestured into the room. Haru nodded.

“Thanks,” he muttered, walking into the room with his head down. The door was closed behind him. Even as the music played, no one was singing or clapping or doing anything else. He could feel all their eyes on him.

Then Sousuke started laughing and Nagisa soon joined. “That was so awkward, I feel bad for that boy,” Kou said, giggling behind her hand. 

“Meeting his idol only to find out he’s an awkward douchebag,” Sousuke added, slapping his knees as he laughed, breathless.

“Shut up!” Haru said, trying to seem more menacing than his flushing face could ever let him be. 

The rest of the group joined along in the laughter – except Makoto. He just stared at Haru, green eyes wide and full of… some emotion Haru had never seen. They locked eyes, simply staring at each other. As the laughter died down, the good atmosphere was replaced with some sort of tension. 

“Let’s get back to the song! Momo, choose another!” Ai interjected, standing up from his place next to Rin. 

“Here, Haru, we left you a spot,” Rei said, patting the spot next to him. It was at the end. Only a couple of people away from Makoto. 

“And Rin was nice enough to get you some fish,” Sousuke said, crunching loudly on something Haru couldn’t guess. 

“Thanks,” he muttered, feeling himself calm down. The dread helped to extinguish some of the embarrassment. 

Ai and Momo had chosen some old song from their childhood, dancing and singing along. Everyone was swayed back into high spirits by it, singing along and clapping. Haru sat at the edge, chewing on some of the mackerel that was ordered for him. He was hyper-aware of Makoto. He wondered what Makoto thought.

\--

His mouth was dry. He thought he was better. He thought he was happy now. He thought he had moved on.

He was wrong.

Haru’s eyes were as clear and as beautiful as the first day Makoto realized he was in love with him. His nose, his lips, his eyebrows, and that little dip between them – were all perfect. 

All of the memories Makoto had tried so hard to repress rushed to surface. The time they were just kids; the time they were struggling through middle school and new experiences and emotions and puberty; the time in high school when Makoto could accept his love for his best friend and they both found themselves and each other; the time in the city when they spent hours just staring at each other and whispering all the secrets of the universe to each other in a breath of space; the time Makoto longed for Haru when he was away and thought he had forgotten what love and happiness felt like; the time Haru would return and kiss every inch of Makoto’s body to show him how much love he had inside him no matter how far away he had to travel; the time Makoto would have to say goodbye over and over and over and over and over and over and over again; the time when Haru walked out of his life with a ‘Thank you’ because Haru was nothing, if not polite.

The time Makoto suffered alone. Alone. He was so lonely. The time he would see Haru on TV, hear his voice full of professionalism and remembered how lovely it could sound against his ear in the mornings when he flew in. The time he spent trying to remember who he, Makoto, was Before Haru but that wasn’t easy because there was _never_ a time Before Haru he could remember. Haru was always there with him. Haru was an ingrained part of Makoto. But now – Now there were the times After Haru.

Makoto was paralyzed. For months, he moped lonely at home, holding onto the few things Haru left him. A half bar of soap. His toothbrush. A lonely shirt from high school that originally belonged to Makoto but that Haru had adopted as sleepwear. For months, he went through the motions at work. He worked and studied until he got his certification and then got a job doing what he always wanted to do – help children. 

He dated women - Women who rarely smiled except at Makoto when they were in bed, dark hair around their heads like halos and blue eyes shining but never what he was looking for. He dated men – Men who were small and petite but still sturdy and had voices that were soft like velvet but never quiet enough to satisfy him. He stopped dating when he realized he was always looking for Haru in others. 

Makoto didn’t mind being alone. After months of pining and moping, he used up the soap. He threw away the toothbrush. He washed the shirt and started wearing it when he cleaned. He got promotions and more friends and moved to a bigger hospital to help more people. He was still going to school, still aiming for a doctorate instead of just being certified aid.

He wasn’t happy. Makoto knew he could never be as happy as he used to be but he was content. Nagisa and Rei and Ai and Momo and Sei and occasionally Kou would come and hang out with him. That was as close to happy as he could get. He wasn’t happy, sure, but…

He was moving on. 

And now, here, where they told him Haru couldn’t make it, wouldn’t show up, was too busy for them – for him – and he’d be safe and able to be himself again – there he was. Some young boy had his arm around Haru, getting a picture taken. Haru looked as uncomfortable as he always was with strangers. 

Makoto wanted to laugh. Wanted to comfort Haru and say something like “Good job taking the picture with him. I’m sure that made him happy” and then pat Haru’s head and kiss his cheek. Wanted to take pictures with Haru because he loved Haru’s face and his emotions were always so clear on his face. It had been so long since he had seen him. Even in magazines or on tv – Makoto was getting better at walking by the magazines without stopping. He was getting better at changing the channel.

Haru was embarrassed, Makoto knew – everyone knew. Haru was more expressive than before. Who was he now? How had he changed? Did he still love him? 

As the rest of the group tried to get back the atmosphere that was lost, Makoto just became lost in thought, almost being able to _feel_ Haru sitting next to Rei, who was next to Nagisa, who was next to Sousuke, who was next to Rin, who Ai had been next to, and Makoto sat next to Ai. He could feel Haru’s warmth from where he was. It was killing him not to say anything. 

“Makoto! Your turn! You haven’t sung anything yet!” Ai said, smiling at him and handing him the mic. 

“Oh! Haru you should go, too! Since you just got here, might as well get it out of the way!” Nagisa chimed in. He had to be drunk.

“Uh, n-no –“

“Go, go, go!” Rin shouted, laughing with Sousuke.

They were cruel.

“If Haru doesn’t want to go, he shouldn’t have to,” Makoto finally said, sighing. “We don’t want to push him to do things he doesn’t want to.” 

Haru stared up at him. Haru had to know what Makoto was really saying. He stood up.

“I’ll do it.”

“Okay! Do that one song you guys used to sing!” Nagisa shouted.

They stared at each other and nodded. “Okay.”

Makoto put in the song selection. Their song. The one they sang together since high school whenever they went out for karaoke.

The first few notes started – Makoto’s heart was tugged by the chords. Haru’s voice started in, like usual. Like when they were young. Makoto didn’t have to look at the screen; he instinctively knew the words. He knew when to go in. It was so natural. 

But he couldn’t.

The music continued. But he couldn’t. 

“I-I’m sorry,” he said, the words barely leaving his lips. He tried to hand the mic to someone, anyone, before running out of the room. 

He wasn’t sure where he was going – tears were already spilling out, wetting his cheeks. Makoto knew he was being dramatic but months of pent up anger, regret, sadness just overwhelmed him and he didn’t know how else to react in this situation. 

The bathroom. That’s a good enough place to hide. Sure, someone will probably come after him but he didn’t mind. So long as he could get himself together before that. It’ll probably be Rin. Rin knew how hurt he was. Makoto could chop it up to stress from work – that suddenly he thought about something else and it overwhelmed him. Yeah. He could get a story straight.

Only Rin would know. 

Makoto nodded to himself, turning the nob for cold water. He watched it run. Water. Sighing, he cupped some into his hands and splashed his face. The tears left warm trails on his face that he could still feel. He splashed his face again, trying to cover it, hide it, make it disappear so he didn’t have to feel this anymore.

As he bent down again for another handful, he heard the door open. 

“I’m sorry about the outburst, Rin,” he said, splashing his face with water.

“I’m not Rin.”

Makoto spun around, water splashing everywhere. “Haru.” His name felt like home on his lips. It had been so long since he had said it out loud. 

“Makoto,” Haru replied, rubbing his arm. He looked uncomfortable. Haru never really looked uncomfortable before. It was Makoto’s fault, making Haru face him like this.

“I-I’m sorry about that. Work has been so demanding lately and I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep and then trying to do my course work for my doctorates, it’s just been a lot going on and I just felt so overwhelmed all of a sudden and it really doesn’t have anything to do with you because obviously that was so long ago why would it even matter now. Not that it doesn’t! B-Because I still treasure all the time we spent together because it was very precious to me and I still consider you a very good friend of mine just like I would with all the other guys here with us today too.” Makoto knew he was rambling but couldn’t stop. “And anyway, that song was kinda lame, I mean, we’re not high schoolers anymore right, so why would we even be singing that old cheesy love song, am I right?”

“Makoto,” Haru said, enough power in his voice to make Makoto clam up. 

They stared at each other.

“Why did you come here?” Makoto finally asked, feeling everything inside of him crumble. Only Haru had the power to do that to him. 

“I-I was… invited,” Haru answered, letting his arms fall to his side. He looked down at the ground.

“I thought you said you didn’t have time for stuff like this. You told me you had to focus on your training. You told me you had to leave me!” Makoto felt his voice rising, felt himself getting hysterical, felt the warmth of tears back on his cheeks. “That’s what you said when you left!”

“I…” He still kept his eyes locked on the ground.

“Look at me!” Makoto half shouted. 

Haru looked at him. 

"Now, talk to me."

"I was tired of hurting you. I was tired of seeing you be hurt _because_ of me. You need someone who can be here with you not... Not me. You needed someone other than me. I wanted you to be happy and... Move on. I wanted you to be your own person and be happy with who you are," he said, staring Makoto down. 

Makoto knew he was being honest. Haru never lied and, like this, face to face, he saw the truth deep down in his heart. 

"I was never happier than when I was with you," Makoto said, letting the words fall from his mouth. "You could kill me and I would die with a smile on my face. I love you more than anything, _anything._ I moved on, like you wanted. I'm happy with my life right now and where I'm at. I don't need anyone to complete me anymore. I'm my own person and... and I'm good. But I love you still. And as happy as I am right now, I want to be happy with you."

To Makoto's shock, Haru ran to him and threw his arms around his body. 

"Would you believe me if I told you how long I've been waiting for you?"

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this after i heard adele's song "when we were young" and i was like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 MAKOHARU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so 
> 
> but i never finished it im sorry and idk if i ever will so ill just post it to what i have and hope yall are cool w it
> 
> also im sorry for all the fucking exposition lol
> 
> hurrah


End file.
